It always made me feel sad when listening to the song “The days on the Beijing East Road” [1]. Seeing certain photos or the mere mention of some past events always reminds us of those once painful memories. “We were children at the very beginning.”
When I was young, my parents quarrelled over minor matters all the time, and they didn’t care about my feelings. I only had a very old and shabby doll to keep me company. She had big eyes, and I liked to talk to her staring at her eyes. I didn’t care even if she didn’t respond to me. Then in another quarrel with my mom, my father smashed my doll. She couldn’t open her big eyes and couldn’t stand up and walk. I didn’t cry then, but deep inside I feared my father and hated to talk with him or stayed with him.
I remember how I felt when I saw my father crying for the first time. It was unbearable and I felt helpless. But I didn’t have the courage to apologise. When his shouts of anger flew past my ears, I was no longer afraid. Nor did I keep quiet. I would talk back and argue with him. I thought I won when I saw my father had nothing to say. Yes, I was tired of the discipline and restraint from my father and wanted to break through “the cage”. However, I hesitated and felt helpless and wondered if I was right or wrong when I turned back and saw my father’s eyes glistened with tears.
I didn’t understand father’s love at that time but I did try. True understanding came much later. I used to quarrel with my father when I grew older. When he said “turn east”, I would turn west and went my own way. I understood father’s love when I made mistakes and tried to avoid responsibility. I finally understood my father’s love as it hurts me deeply when I saw my father’s hair turned whiter and his hands grew rougher because of toil. I then realized what he had done for me and that his love for me had been implicit and reserved.
I no longer hold the same attitude that rejects his love, and I gradually accept him and tried to return his love for me. “Longing to be an angel at the very end”. I hope I’ll be stronger and I’ll be able to protect those who I want to protect.
Xuan Cao
[1] A wistful Chinese song. The quoted lines are references to lyrics. To see full lyrics (in Chinese) see https://zhidao.baidu.com/question/169109474.html
有首歌叫《北京东路的日子》，听着总让人产生悲伤不舍之情。每当看见一些照片，提及一些往事，都会想起曾经刻苦的回忆。“开始的开始，我们都是孩子。”我还年幼时，记忆最深的是父母的争吵，天天有，总因为那么点小事争论不休，也不在意我的感受。陪着我的啊，就是一个很旧很破的洋娃娃，他有一双大眼睛，我就喜欢看着她的眼睛说话，即使它不会回答，我也毫不在意。后来呀，爸爸再一次争吵中摔碎了我的洋娃娃，它不再睁着那双大眼睛，不再会站起来走路，那时的我没哭，却在心里彻底的害怕爸爸，我不喜欢和爸爸交流，不喜欢跟爸爸呆在一起，直到很久以后。。。。。。我还记得第一次看爸爸流眼泪的感受，无助不忍，却没有勇气道歉。他的怒吼划过耳际时，我不再是害怕沉默，我会顶嘴，会和爸爸吵。看着爸爸无话可说的样子，我感觉我赢了。是的，那时的我厌烦了爸爸的管束，想突破关着我的“牢笼”。然而，当我回头看见爸爸眼角闪烁着的泪光，我开始彷徨无助，不知道自己这样到底是对是错。虽然我还不懂父爱，却开始尝试理解，真的懂得是在之后。大了几岁的我还是习惯和爸爸吵架，他说往东，我偏往西，过自己的。但当我犯了错，开始躲避责任时，我终于明白了父爱，看着父亲因操劳而白了的双鬓，看着父亲越来越粗糙的手，我的新竟然狠狠揪痛我终于懂得父亲含蓄的爱，看见父亲对我的付出，我不再对父亲有拒绝的心态，我开始慢慢接受并试着回报。“最后的最后，渴望变成天使。”希望自己能够越来越强大，能够保护自己想要保护的人。
曹暄